a good & bad day, but mostly good

On Monday, I got a call from friend #1 asking if I would be interested in visiting friend #2 in the hospital. That's right - she delivered.

I asked friend #1 if she had discussed it w/friend #2. She told me she hadn't, but she thought it would be OK. "I really don't think she'll be rude to you," she said. I sighed. I thought about it. I sighed some more. Then I decided I couldn't go, unless I knew I would be welcome. I couldn't handle seeing someone's newborn AND getting the cold shoulder at the same time. That would be beyond beyond. Friend #1 said that she understood, and we left it at that.

A half hour later, she called back saying that friend #2 would indeed like to see me. Without hesitation, I said OK. We agreed to meet in the hospital cafeteria and go up to the maternity ward together. I told her I'd call once I'd reached the hospital, so she could come down to get me.

The hospital is two miles from my office. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to get across town. And another 10 minutes to park. And I left my cell phone at the office. And I didn't have my friend's number memorized. And she was not in the cafeteria. Or the coffee shop. Or the gift shop. Crap.

I wandered the halls, thinking about what to do. I decided to bite the bullet and go up to maternity on my own. Only, I was lost. Walking back and forth and starting to feel overwhelmed. You know how it is when you're in a fragile emotional state, and stupid things have you in tears?

Eventually I found my friend’s room, but her privacy curtain was pulled shut. So, I listened outside the door. There were hospital staff with her, but I didn't hear friend #1. So I waited. Eavesdropping. It felt weird and wrong. Before our falling out, friend #2 told me everything. Now, I wasn't sure I should be privy to anything taking place behind the curtain.

But I stayed and waited. As I stood in the hall, a new mother hobbled by, pushing a tiny baby. Then a nurse emerged from the room. She told me my friend was with a lactation consultant, and that she'd be done in about five minutes. Ten minutes passed. The nurse came out again and said, "about five more minutes." It was a thousand degrees in that hallway. I felt weak. The world swirled around me with flashes of babies that never got to be. Still I waited.

In time, friend #1 showed up with friend #2's husband, E. He hugged me hello; said it was great to see me. The three of us waited together, until we were granted permission to enter. I let them go ahead of me, choosing to go in last. As I did, I looked at my friend; she looked at me and nodded. I nodded back.

For an hour and a half, we proceeded to have a normal visit. Somewhat subdued perhaps, but friendly and comfortable. We contemplated her 4 name choices. We talked about her postpartum puffiness (heh). We marveled at her son's mop of dark hair. She never offered to let me hold the baby (as she had with her others), and of course, I didn't ask. And, yes, she and I still have a lot of unpleasant business to deal with. But we put it aside, because this was an important ritual, and we needed to do it. It would have felt wrong not to.

When it was time to go, E. asked the three of us to pose for a picture with the baby. So we obliged, no big deal, really. As he was snapping the shot, he said, "The Witches of Eastwick." Funny. We get that a lot.

And so that's that. The baby is here. The status of the friendship is unclear, but there seems to be hope. I don't know how we're going to resolve things, and I don't really care. One step at a time. Right now, my head's still spinning.

Comments

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

What a day. I have to give you huge kudos for going to the hospital and to see your friend, especially since I thought she wasn't being very understanding to you at your last meeting. I think you were a brave brave woman and my hat goes off to you.

[fisher queen]

Yes, you are brave! And a very good friend. I hope she figures out what a good thing she has in you.

[thalia]

Wow. I hope you gave yourself a big pat on the back for that. You are amazing. You did the right thing.

[Manuela]

HOLY CRAP! Yes, brave... and TOUGH! Kudos to you...

BUT! Let me just warn you... that if she doesn't acknowledge or appreciate what a HUGE freaking leap of faith you took today... and what that took out of you... I just might have to a hop a plane and let her know what's what in person! K?

[Lori]

Wow - what a brave and strong thing you did today. I truly hope your friend realizes and recognizes the strength it took for you to visit her in that environment. And if she doesn't recognize that strength, I suspect she'll have the Infertile Bitch Brigade on her doorstep toot sweet. Just a hunch though...

[pixi]

Thanks, guys. And yeah, I wouldn't say that I'm ready to sweep it all under the rug. I just felt that if she and I were to reconcile, it would always stick out in my mind that I should have been there. So I went there. Because it would have been too significant for me not to be there, if that makes any sense.

And I must say, it has really helped to have you all backing me up. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

[Jill]

You deserve a gold medal for bravery and for being the bigger party, Pixi. When you're in our shoes (recurrent miscarriages), it's hard enough to visit a pal in the hospital with her newborn even when the friendship is going swimmingly, much less when it has been a bit rocky. My hat is off to you.

[Lola]

I couldn't have done it. I'm in awe of you; that was an incredibly strong thing to do.

[amy]

Everyone already said what I was going to say! You are brave and kind and generous. You are a good friend and an amazing person. I admire you courage and strength.

[wessel]

Pixi, I don't know the history, but I gather that this was a difficult and yet very important thing for you to do. What strength of character you possess. I only hope that your friend understands how difficult this was for you, and that she appreciates it, but she probably doesn't and won't, simply because most people are not capable of getting it. I hope that things turn out for the best in the way that you want.

As for me, I'd never go anywhere near a newborn! I'd as soon burn an effigy of the friendship.

[kyahgirl]

you're a bigger person than me Pixi. I don't think I could have done it. I don't know. I'm sorry this situation is so painful.

[Tonya]

Man, what a day. I am glad you made it through, though it sounds understandably horrendous yet-- important. You are amazing for having done it, and I hope this friend can find a way to start working through the issues.

Congratulations for completing what is (on my scale at least) the hardest thing you could do as someone in your situation (just above-- gak-- baby showers). Thinking of you.

[Meg]

I admire your strength. I came under friendly fire last week from a pregnant friend and now things are altered between us.

[ManhattanAnne]

Nicely done, Pixi. Unfortunately, the fertile world will prbably never understand the selfless strength and compassion that took, but we do.

[Alexa]

I was going to post on your birthday entry, but I see the comments are closed...
So, Happy Birthday, pixi. I am wishing for you that the coming year holds everything you hope for.
And, I have to agree w/ the above commenters--you are very brave to have gone to see your friend, under the circumstances. I hope she appreciates that.