how are we supposed to do this?

So, I got my period yesterday. In a way, that's a good thing, because I'm still watching my cycles, waiting for them to become regular. This is #3 since my most recent miscarriage, and it's better than the first two in some ways. It came on time. And it's much less clotty. However, it is very heavy, and I'm quite uncomfortable. And crabby.

I sat in Boston traffic for an hour this morning. When I finally made it to the school where I was making a presentation, I could tell I was bleeding through my tampon. Thankfully, I had on a pantiliner, too, but that wasn't going to hold for long. I had to rush to the bathroom and get fixed up with literally just seconds to do it. Then, during my entire presentation, I worried that I was going to bleed through again.

Anyway, I made it through the morning OK, but on the drive back to my office, I started feeling very grumpy and sorry for myself. I suppose being on the rag didn't help. But I'm just so tired of having to deal with all of this crap (the pain, the body issues, the doctor's appointments, the procedures, the crushing disappointments, the mental exhaustion...ha, like I needed to spell it out for you guys...and at the same time deal with my real world responsibilities. I've got some big deadlines looming, yet I can't drum up an ounce of motivation to get started on the projects. How am I supposed to focus on anything when my mind and body have been completely hijacked?

I don't want to work, I don't want to do homework, I don't want to do house work, I don't want to do laundry, I don't want to deal with the bills, I don't want to keep my appointments....

I'm whining; I know. And it's pointless whining, because there's nothing to be done about it. The world doesn't just stop to let you deal with your IF problems. But I sure as hell wish it would sometimes.

Comments

[thalia]

Oh I feel the same way. I'm supposedly this high powered executive but actually I don't give a shit about any of the work I'm doing. Shhh, don't tell anyone!

[pixi]

I won't tell, if you don't tell.

Actually, Thalia, when I read yesterday how you had to force yourself to work despite all that you were/are dealing with, I felt just awful. You deserve many weeks of rest and pampering right now.

[Manuela]

"I don't want to work, I don't want to do homework, I don't want to do house work, I don't want to do laundry, I don't want to deal with the bills, I don't want to keep my appointments...."

You mean... I'm not the only one??? That sentence there... that's me. Exactly. I'm completely faking my life right now. Infertility is my life. All of it. There's no room for anything else...

[pixi]

Exactly. Exactly. Ex-fucking-actly!

[fisher queen]

Yup. I think it's called 'depression'. I used to have a thriving one woman design business that went poof about the time we moved and the 5th IUI failed. Oddly, I haven't had the energy to market myself in our new town, and am perfectly happy spending my days fixing up our fixer upper and blogging.

We won't be this way forever. One day we will control our lives in semi fashion once again...

[pixi]

See, fisher, you're absolutely right. Because we're "expected" to get on with our lives, I often view my paralysis as not having my shit together, and I blame myself. But god damn if I know how to keep the sadness from taking over. And aren't we entitled to be depressed anyway? This *is* fucking depressing!!!

[ovagirl]

It certainly is pixi. I'm sorry.Know just what you're saying here. Before I embarked on actively TTC the depression was sort of unnamed. But now I know what's going on, it's so much sharper. It's manageable for me at the moment because I am in the hands of the ivf clinic and my Chinese Medicine fertility expert. But when/if all that fails, I am terrified of what happens next.

[pixi]

OG, I hope there is no "if" or "when" for you this time, only a definite "didn't," if you know what I mean! Oh, hell, I just hope it works out for you this time. I so do!

[fisher queen]

A good medicine for when/if is a Plan B. If it weren't for Plan B, I promise you I wouldn't be here right now.

[Lori]

Wow - I can completely relate. I'm currently faking my way through law school on top of my job. Whether I'm in class, at work or studying there's at least 3/4 of my brain still focused on IF. I just want everyone to leave me alone so I can sit in a dark corner pondering the state of my fallopian tubes - is that so much to ask??
Sorry you're feeling the same way Pixi. It just sucks on so many different levels.

[Nico]

Everything you're all saying is just so true. I have never been depressed in my whole life, yet I think I am now. All the same symptoms. No drive, no desire to work (in this regard blogs are a bad thing!), I cry at the drop of a hat, eating like crap... I like the way Manuela said it. Faking my life. It (IF) sucks.

[Lisa P.]

For a long time I let the depression consume me. Then my therapist told me "your meds dose is way too low." I'm not saying meds are for everyone but I am amazed at the difference in me over the past few weeks... I'm productive at work again, I'm not as teary, I'm more confident at work, and I am somehow just dealing with all that's going on. Part of me doesn't expect it to last, of course; but that's just my cynical self betting that things can't continue to improve for very long. I'm almost positive Christmas will bring its own set of depression-related issues anyway.

Nico, what you say about blogs being bad for the work ethic is true; I suppose part of my productivity is due to the fact that I heard a rumor they were cracking down on internet use at my job. Yikes.

[Alexa]

OH, yes. I am so glad I am not the only one..because I don't really know any people outside of the computer dealing with IF, and my friends/family don't seem to think it is that big of a deal, I constantly feel like I am lazy and obsessive for letting it interfere with the rest of my life. I was just put in charge of two new projects at work, and it has been a real struggle to...well, care.
Sorry you are feeling this way too, pixi--I wish the world would stop for all of us for just a few days a month...doesn't that sound lovely?

[Mary Scarlet]

Man, I can totally relate. Yesterday at least three times at work I launched a new application, went to File ... Open ... and then could not for the life of me remember what I was doing. Even though some of these things may be at their root physical, that really doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I wish the world would stop too. Stop and let us off for just a little while.

[Kath]

Again, Pixi, you've hit the nail on the head. This stuff is all-consuming. I'm going through the motions -- and what mind-blowing motions they are right now! -- but my heart is not engaged. And my body -- well, let's just say I'm sitting at my desk with a hot-water bottle tucked decoratively into my jeans, and leave it at that.

Sigh.

[cass]

Right there with you. I've been trying to finish these papers forever, and I feel like such a failure for being unable to get it together when I know I'll feel so much better when they're done, but I just can't find the energy or focus. It royally sucks. And sometimes it's even hard to go through the motions (as Kath said). Just plodding along.

[amy]

I see we are in the same place right now. I just got around to paying bills online last night and didn't even care about the late fees. Maybe after Thanksgiving we can meet up. I think a face to face might help us both!