Two nights before the DC Infertile's Luncheon, I asked M. if Expedia would let you exchange a ticket, if you decided not to use it. "Sure," he said, "but why?" I told him that my throat was scratchy, and I had a headache. And there was a good chance that I'd be feeling really lousy come Wednesday morning. Plus I was really backed up at work and couldn't afford to take the day off. AND I should be attacking the laundry piles instead of jetting off for lunch AND...
Truth is, I was having a bit of a fit. This has become my modus operandi whenever I'm meeting new people these days. Or leaving the house for that matter. For the day-to-day stuff it's more of an internal freakout, and I manage to pull myself together and do what I have to do. I do, however, find myself retreating more and more from social gatherings. Especially when it involves meeting new people or people whom I haven't seen in a long time.
You see, I've gained fifty pounds in the past two and a half years. I partially blame the fact that I was pregnant for nine out of those 30 months and I ate to console myself after each miscarriage. But now, it's just become a bad habit - not making good choices, not stopping myself when I should. So, my weight gain + my reproductive struggles + another source of frustration that I, following Dooce's advice, don't blog about = a pretty unhappy me. A me who prefers to stay home and face the world through a computer.
However, when my alarm went off at 5:00 AM on Wednesday morning, I jumped up and got ready. And in control top pantyhose, a long black skirt, and a lot more makeup than usual, I went out the door feeling reasonably OK. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to bag out at the last minute, not after saying I would attend. Plus, I truly wanted to meet the bloggers (Lori, Flicka, Thalia, Jenn, Cass, & Manuela) who would be there.
And I am SO glad that I went. The Tabard Inn was absolutely charming. The tour of the Capitol building, spectacular. The company? Incredibly warm, lovely, brilliant, funny, vibrant, insightful (and very stylishly accessorized) - women from interesting and varied backgrounds united in the understanding of what it's like to struggle hard to become a mother. It felt great to spend the day connecting with others who really get that. It was truly good for the soul. For a detailed play-by-play of the day, visit Flicka's site.
When I got home, my husband asked how it went. I told him, "better than I could have hoped." Now how often do you get to say that?
And I'm finding myself rather inspired by my experience at the DC gathering. Knowing what I might have missed had I chosen to stay home, I'm thinking it's high time for me for me to stop hiding and start living life with more gusto. I don't know what that means exactly yet, but I do know that something's got to change. I've had enough of my current scene, really. And hell, I figure this is as good a time as any to make a fresh start.
So no specific resolutions, only to live better and to live more. And thanks, ladies of the luncheon, for providing the spark I so desperately needed. Y'all (wink wink Lori) are amazing!
And special thanks to Flicka for doing all the leg work (and what legs!) for us. And for making those incredible Infertility Survival Kits. And, yes, my candy is already gone! Hey it's not '06 yet!
And also special thanks to Lori & her husband for hooking us up with that fabulous tour of the Capitol building. It was the perfect afternoon event. And thanks again, Lori, and also Manuela for sticking around & having dinner with me since I had time to kill before my flight back. It was great to have some extra time with you both.
Happy New Year everyone. I hope '06 is a good one for us all!
I'm so glad that you didn't exchange that ticket. It really does make me a little sad to think I could've missed out on meeting you.
I know it's incredibly difficult to be feeling badly about how your body looks on top of how it works but you are a beautiful woman no matter what!
Here's to 2006 - may it be a year of living with gusto!
Posted by: Lori | December 31, 2005 at 06:22 PM
I almost baled at the last minute too. I'm so glad I didn't. And if you put on 50lbs, I have no idea where. You looked great!
Posted by: Jenn | December 31, 2005 at 08:09 PM
I'll toast to a gusto filled 2006, for sure! I'm so glad that the DC infertiles gathering was good for you, and I really hope that 2006 is a better year for you than 2005 was.
Posted by: Nico | January 01, 2006 at 11:26 AM
I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself with us, we all really enjoyed meeting you. And you looked pretty stylish yourself, I may add.
Posted by: thalia | January 01, 2006 at 01:46 PM
Pixi, I can totally relate, except I was antisocial by nature even before the IF, so I'm familiar with the pre-event dread. I've made a similar resolution to try to force out of my shell and be happy in some sphere of life. Reading Cubbiegirl's posts about happiness really resonated, too. Happy New Year to you ... hope '06 is a great one for you.
Posted by: Mary Scarlet | January 01, 2006 at 03:53 PM
Pixi, I had no idea. I'm so glad that you decided to come! I'll always remember you walking into the lounge and answering "Guess!" when we all asked who you were. You're too much of what the world needs to stay at home.
Posted by: Flicka | January 01, 2006 at 04:44 PM
Okay, I saw the pictures, and yoouu loooook fabuuuloussss!
ALTHOUGH, I know what you are saying here-- I won't even address the weight I've gained. I was looking at old photos of me and it was almost awful. And I know that feeling of just wanting to be at home. But I am so happy you went and had a good time!
Posted by: Katie | January 01, 2006 at 05:20 PM
Wow... I so relate to everything you wrote about in this post. But if the pics on Jenn's site are any indication, you have nothing to worry about. You're adorable!!
Posted by: mm | January 01, 2006 at 09:43 PM
So glad that you went, and yeah, there is definitely an important lesson to be learned there about living life to the fullest, no matter what. Now if I can only learn that lesson from you! :-)
I know what you mean about the weight. I also have 40 lbs extra. And not the inclination to do anything about it. Ugh.
Posted by: wessel | January 02, 2006 at 02:11 AM
Oh, Pixi... the chat we had at the train station about this has REALLY stuck with me as well. It's also something I've been wanting to blog about, but I need a little more time to process it all. I will say though, that it was oddly comforting to know that we shared similar feelings... especially when I look at you and just see a vibrant beauty... inside and out.
Posted by: Manuela | January 02, 2006 at 08:32 PM
Echoing others - *nod nod* I understand.
So glad that you made the jump into the unknown though, it sounds like you had a delightful time.
Posted by: April | January 04, 2006 at 05:49 PM
The DC gathering sounds great; I'm glad that you were able to experience it. And happy New Year to you, too, Pixi! I hope that 2006 will be a great year for you.
Posted by: Jill | January 04, 2006 at 10:14 PM
Dear Pixi, I thought I'd replied to this post already, and now I discover to my shame that I didn't. I'm so glad you decided to go to the gathering. It sounds so wonderful, funny and uplifting.
As for the weight issues and the social withdrawal, I hear you, and I'm sorry. Our worries tie us up in knots and then we're ashamed to be seen knotted up. Although no else sees that. I, too, saw your pictures, and I think you are beautiful. But I knew that already from your writing and your art.
There's so much happiness to be had. Let's not close our eyes to the small joys, while we're waiting for the big one to come. Happy New Year, Pixi.
Posted by: Kath | January 07, 2006 at 07:42 AM
Lady, you're gorgeous. I hope you've been out and about this week flaunting your lovely self. Post again soon, k? I miss you!
Posted by: fisher queen | January 08, 2006 at 07:44 PM
Hoping you're well, my dear.
Posted by: Kath | January 10, 2006 at 03:15 AM