miscarriage #2

We started trying again in mid-July--three months after I lost the baby. I was a little worried, because it had previously taken me eight months to get pregnant. My OB reassured me that if I didn't get pregnant by labor day, they would take steps to assist me. I didn't know what that meant, but it made me feel better.

At the end of August, I did a hpt, and it came out positive (I suppose I work better with a deadline). I was elated--a little worried, because of what happened with the first pregnancy--but mostly I was happy and optimistic that this one would work out. I was ready to put all of the unpleasantness behind me.

I bled throughout the first trimester. Each episode was terrifying. But each time I saw new blood, I went in for an ultrasound or a heartbeat check, and everything seemed fine. No hematomas and the heartbeat was strong. Then sometime around the 11th week things settled down, and we seemed to be moving ahead normally.

At week 12, I went on a cruise with my entire family. It was a little crazy, because none of my clothes fit me, but I wasn't ready for maternity stuff yet, either. But it was fun, and I was starting to relax a bit. I must have had some deep-down worry, though, because I dreamed three times that week that I was miscarrying. Still, during my waking hours I was able to let go and have a good time.

Passing into the second trimester was such a happy milestone. It really seemed that we were out of the woods then--no bleeding, no hematomas, and I was starting to show a little.

At 15+ weeks, we went in for amniocentesis. I was excited and hopeful. First we watched the baby on the ultrasound monitor, and we saw that it was probably a girl! She was moving around and looking perfect in every way. We got to see her in 3-D, too. After about 20 minutes the doctors came in to do the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable, but not too bad. It was quick and seemingly routine. We were off on our way about two minutes later.

We went home and I spent the remainder of the day resting. I was feeling just fine, but I welcomed the excuse to take the day off.  The next day was Saturday, and I was still feeling completely fine. On Sunday, I spent the day making root vegetable soup. By about four o' clock, I started feeling really tired and a little nauseous. I needed some of the water in the soup to cook down, so I turned it to low temp and went to lie down on the couch.  I fell asleep. Apparently, my husband did too.

I woke up a little while later to a horrible burning smell. I rushed into the kitchen and turned off the gas, but it was too late. The entire bottom of the soup was scorched, and the smoke had tainted the entire pot. By that time, I was feeling really terrible. My head was pounding, and the smell made me want to throw up.  There was also some slight pressure in my lower abdomen. I put the pot in the sink and went to bed.

The next morning, I was feeling better.  The  headache and the nausea were gone. The pressure was still there, but it was pretty minor. I wasn't particularly concerned, because I had experienced mild crampiness in earlier weeks, and nothing had happened. I decided that I might as well go to work.

Throughout most of the work day, the pressure stayed at the same low level. In the late afternoon, I decided that it was a bit more pronounced, so I called my OB. She told me to come in.  So off I went, still not feeling particularly concerned.  After my examination, my doctor wasn't particularly concerned, either. She said that my cervix was closed, and that the pressure might just be round ligament stretching. That sounded reasonable to me, so I headed home to rest.

I spent the evening on the couch.  As the hours passed, the pressure became progressively stronger. By early morning it was coming in waves. At that point I was also starting to pass some blood-tinged mucus. Even though I had just been through a miscarriage with painful contractions, I didn't recognize it as the same thing. I guess I didn't want it to be the same thing, and I was hanging on to the hope that they would stop. My husband and I timed the intervals, and tried to will them to be farther apart. They kept coming about every five minutes or so.

At 8:00 a.m. I called my OB's office, and we were told to get over there right away.  We got there quick, and we were brought right in. The nurse practitioner took out the doppler and started looking for a heartbeat. It took just a few seconds for one to come up loud and clear. Next she did a quick internal exam, after which she told me that this was definitely some type of process, and that she didn't know if it could be stopped. I knew what she was saying, but it still didn't really sink in. She then sent us over to the hospital to see my OB who was on call that day.

I don't remember much of what happened between our arrival at the hospital and my meeting with the OB in my hospital room. After she looked at me, she sat down to talk. She told me that I was a certain amount dilated and effaced (I can't remember how much), and that it was likely due to an infection introduced by the amnio. Then she laid out my options: 1) I could let nature take its course and deliver the fetus, or 2) they could do a D & E. I was stunned. Despite everything that was going on, I still didn't want to let go of hope. I asked her, "Is that it?" There are no other options? Is it definite that I'm going to lose the baby?" She said that she was 90% sure that I would. She supposed that by some slim chance the contractions could stop, and maybe with total bedrest...but she really didn't think so. I asked her if I needed to decide right then, and she said that I could have some time. And then she left. As she was walking out, I broke down in sobs.

When I calmed down a bit, my husband and I tried to figure out what to do. We had both heard the baby's heartbeat just a couple of hours ago, so we knew that she was probably still alive. We wanted to wait to see if there was any chance that the contractions would subside. But they didn't. They just kept getting worse and worse, and after an hour, I had to give in. We called the doctor back and told her to schedule the D & E. There was no way I could deal with the process of delivering a baby that wouldn't live.

It was going to be some time before they could get me into the operating room. In the meantime I had to deal with various people. One was an anesthesiologist who came in to help me manage my pain. He wasn't very successful. Another was the doctor who would be doing the procedure (not my OB). She was 4-5 months pregnant.

After a couple hours they wheeled me down to some type of pre-op area. I waited there with my husband and a very kind nurse. After a little while, another anesthesiologist came by and put something in my IV. Lights out, thank God.

When I woke up in my hospital bed, I felt as though I'd been run over by a truck. I was completely exhausted. All of my abdominal muscles ached. I couldn't even sit up. I needed my husband and a nurse to walk me to the toilet and stabilize me while I was on it. After I went to the bathroom and cleaned up, they helped me back to bed. I literally did not have the strength or balance to make it myself. There would be no going home right away this time. I was there for the night.

The next day I had visits from various professionals. My OB, the pregnant doc, the social worker, and the guy who did my amnio. He came in, put his hand on my knee, and said, "I'm so sorry, my friend." I could tell that he really was. I think I said, "I know, thank you," or something like that. I was still numb at that point.

I spent the whole day resting, moving the hospital bed up and down, trying to get comfortable. I had the tv on, and at one point an Oprah special about newborns came on. Of course. The reminders always seem to come at the worst times.

By dinner time, I was feeling a little better, so I decided to go home. With my husband's help, I got dressed and packed up, and we were on our way. On the drive home I felt every bump. And I started to think about the baby. I wondered where she was and what was happening to her. They weren't good thoughts.

A week later I got the amnio results. It was girl. Everything was normal.

next: a hiatus from trying to get pregnant

Comments

[Tonya]

I am so sorry for your losses. It is the most horrible pain, and I am sad you are going through it right now. I'm glad you started your blog; I've found it can be a great way to process through things. Best wishes on your journey.

[pixi]

I need to do this blog, because I really am struggling. Thanks for being my first online connection.

I'm looking forward to reading your blog, too.

-pixi

[Manuela]

Oh my dear God, Pixi... this is one of the most heart-wrenching accounts of a miscarriage I've ever encountered. How truly truly horrible for this to come about as the result of a medical procedure... somehow... that makes it all the more cruel.

My heart goes out to you...