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    I'm really sorry. My uber fertile best friend and I have weathered some tough times since my miscarriage and IF. We've been friends for almost 20 years. I've been sarcastic and harsh and she's been thoughtless and self-obsessed. There have been moments when I've feared our friendship just couldn't take the pressure. I think what has saved it, is the willingness to understand one another. I sent my friend some information about grief and miscarriage in an effort for her to understand that some of the lashing out I did came from a really dark and raw place. It helped. I'm a little sad for you thinking how easily your friend has kind of given up and not been willing to try to understand the depth of your losses. Friendships go through rough spots and hopefully come out the stronger for it, just like any relationship.
    Is there anyway you could email or send a letter letting her know you would like the opportunity to talk through what's going on? That way should could process and think about it without having to respond on the spot.
    Just my thoughts. I hope you're able to find a way to re-connect with her.


    Pixi... you might think I'm being too harsh here... and if you think so... I won't be offended if you tell me so... or if you don't want to post this comment...that's cool too. I can be known to have a hot head from time to time... partaicularly when I see others being treated unfairly. Having said that...

    Sure... your comments might not have been the most fabulous thing in the world to say... BUT... HOLY CRAP! I'm sorry... I think this friend is being a completely insensitive COW! Honestly! People hurt sometimes... and when they hurt... they say things to protect themselves (I know you just read my post about that)... and a friend... a TRUE FRIEND... should be able to see your pain and at LEAST be willing to talk to you about it if she was upset. I mean... HOW many times have you sucked it up when you were being supportive of her children? HMMM??? Did she ever think TWICE about gushing about her children?? Either way... how she could just turn her back on you without even TALKING to you about it... is absolutely unforgivable as far as I'm concerned. Just plain shitty... just goes to show that you don't really know people until you ask them to stretch their perspective a little. FUCK!

    Pixi... I am so sorry... I find it way easier to be calm and rational about my own pain... when I see it happening to others... I just get PISSED! Misplaced anger I think.... oy... that would be a whole other post.

    Much affection kiddo... so sorry you are having to add this to your list of losses to grieve. It SUCKS.


    Hi Manuela. OK, maybe I lied. It does make me feel a little better to hear someone rail against her behavior. And if you knew the actual list of stuff that I've done for her kids, including give up my vacations to watch her son while she was studying for the bar and when he was recovering from surgery, you'd scream all the louder. But I also think about what you wrote in that post about understanding on all sides. I *know* that she feels guilty about being pregnant while her two best friends are having fertility problems. And I know that she feels attacked. If she had given me a chance to talk it out with her, I would have acknowledged that a thousand times over and tried to find a way to work it out. But I'm pissed - you bet I'm pissed that she handled it the way she did - no consideration for what I've been through or what an additional loss might do to me.

    So I'm torn. I read Lori's comments (hi Lori!) and the suggestion to try writing her a letter. And I am considering it, but not right now. I think she needs to have this baby (any day now) and deal with her own life for a while. As mad as I am, I don't want to cause disruption so close to the time that she's giving birth. It's probably better for me to be away from the situation for now, anyway.


    Ok. That flat out SUCKS. She dropped you after ONE snide comment? Does the rest of the time you had together mean nothing? I'm pissed off for you. I think I'd have to confront her about this. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for you.


    Yeah, it really was that one comment + sort of pretending that she wasn't in the room while I gave friend #1 the update about my OB appt (admittedly bitchy). In the past, if there was too much mommy talk, I'd pout a bit. I know it might have been better, if I'd calmly requested a change of focus. I guess, though, when I'm in the moment I have a hard time of speaking up for my needs. But, you know, this all seems like the kind of stuff that you'd speak to a dear and clearly hurting friend about - not give them the big "fuck you" for.

    But I must mention that this is her MO. Since high school, she's ended a number of relationships this way. So, I *know* that she has a dysfunctional way of dealing with anger. I *could*, as my husband says, be the bigger person and demand that we hash out. But now I find that I need to sit on it for a while and decide where I am. Plus there's the whole new baby thing. In a way, I'm glad that I have a ticket out of that scene.

    As you all know, some have a hard time dealing with a friend's fertility struggles and losses. They don't know what to say, don't know how to acknowledge the feelings, and don't know how to deal with the behavior of an obviously wounded soul. Perhaps they feel "guilty" for having children when their friend can't, awkward because it's hard to know what to say, and powerless to help or fix the situation. But still, I think a real friend owes it to another real friend to try.


    Dear Pixi, how awful for you. How unremittingly awful. Guilt has this terrible way of corrupting relationships, and it looks as if that may be what's happening here -- by preventing her from dealing with the situation straight. Of course her initial reaction was to be hurt, but it's her job to put it in perspective. And perhaps she will, when given more time.

    I agree that it's best to give yourself a little breather to sort out your own feelings on this. And if you do decide to take the step towards her -- assuming that she doesn't, possibly out of fear that it'll be worse for you when she has the baby -- then it does make sense to put it in writing, so you have control over the content and the tone. And then you can explain to her, if she doesn't understand already, that this type of grief can blindside you. Your reaction had nothing to do with her personally, it was simply your way of trying to deal with an overwhelming feeling.

    I so wish you didn't have to deal with this too. It's crushingly sad to lose friends, especially old friends. Especially when the cause of the break is a broken heart.

    Take good care of yourself, my dear.


    One of the things my mom taught me from a very young age was to think about, when someone said or did something hurtful, what they might be thinking or feeling. So many times someone says something that seems nasty or spiteful, but don't actually mean it that way, and when you find out for sure what the story is, you figure that out.

    It sounds like you're very good at doing that, and your friend is not. You've taken the time to think through what she's feeling and thinking, and from the way she's been treating you, she obviously hasn't.

    I think a letter is a marvellous idea, when (and if) you're ready for it. It might be a few weeks, it might be a year, it might be never.

    It is SO hard when you feel as if you're the only one making the effort in a friendship. It's supposed to be a two-way street, and so often it feels like it's not.

    I am so sorry that you're dealing with this on top of all your other losses.


    I agree with writing down your feelings and sending or emailing to her. Especially since it is a 26 year relationship. You can also point out that on that day, so soon after your miscarriage, you were fragile. And that obviously you adore her children - look at all the things you have done for them.
    I would also add what you said about all your losses. It is bad enough to lose three babies (and your grandmother), now you have to lose a long term friend?

    And if you email, maybe you could blind CC to your other friend so that she fully understands and will be able to say all the right things when lawyer friend rings her up about to talk about it.

    sorry pixi, it's an awful situation.


    Gosh, I don't know. I have lost two friends because of their insensitivities and I'm sure that their side would be that I am just way too sensitive and not able to deal with my infertility.

    It all just sucks so much.

    I am not one to put water under the bridge very well.

    I would take a break and then decide later about reconciling...but, that is me.

    I'm sorry you have had to deal with all of this.


    The collateral damage of recurrent miscarriage can be very painful... especially when it affects us by losing those we had cherished as friends. I am so sorry you're going through this.

    I have another take on the whole letter thing. How about writing the letter, but don't send it? Sit on it for a while, re-read at will, edit. Make sure it says everything you want it to, then you can decide whether to keep it or send it. I have done this a few times, and it helped me both to vent but also to state my needs and expectations clearly.

    I'm hoping you find a way through this. Time does heal, but it sounds like this particular friend lets time erase her responsibility to end things in an adult manner. You are in my thoughts.


    Hey Pix. That just sucks. I'm really sorry you've had to deal with that on top of everything else. I udnerstand your instinct to protect your friend, but dear GOD it does seem unbelievably cruel of her to have behaved the way she has. Grief--and you have certainly had your share--will always out, and we cannot always control how it expresses itself. You may have been 'shitty' but you were prepared to own up to it and apologise. Your friend, on the other hand, is willing to see 26 years of friendship slip away without even talking it through with you. And all because poor diddums can't talk about her umpteen sprogs in front of the recurrent miscarrier. So selfish!

    I have little patience any more, I'm afraid, for that sort of behaviour. Miscarriage is a loss like no other, because it is the loss of innocence, of what might have been. I am so incredibly blessed in having friends who have seen me through every stage of the grief, including the phase where I sniped and snapped.

    I hope your friend comes round and realises what she is throwing away. If she doesn't, I hope you will be able to remember the friend that she was, instead of the disappointment she turned out to be.


    Oh for Chrissakes! She's going to flush 26 years of friendship over one little comment and perhaps a moment where you didn't give her your full attention?! Like your friend, I have a history of writing people off when they screw with me, but her behavior is just insane. Ok, so she was hurt. But now you are, too. Sounds like you both could use a break... some time to really miss each other and see past the weirdness that's transpired. I agree that you should write/email her a note (esp since you're obviously v. skilled at expressing yourself on paper). Give her the chance she didn't give you and see what happens. If she doesn't grovel at your feet and beg forgiveness for being such a short sighted twit.... well, then, you'll know what to do. I'm so sorry you're having to contend wtih this on top of everything else.

    fisher queen

    Hi Pixi. Ugh I'm sorry. Pregnant friends are SO difficult to be around, and groups of women who are mothers pretty much flatten me. I'm trying to figure out how to avoid everyone when they come home for Christmas this year. I'm afraid I might snap too. Sometimes you just can't help it.

    It sucks that this harms our friendships. One good thing that has happened for me though, is that I have two new very good friends precisely because they can handle my sadness. I can handle their pregnancies and good fortune because they allow me the space to be sad when I need to be. They also both know how lucky they are because they've taken the time to listen to me and to other women with IF.

    Your friend, and other women who do have trouble dealing with us have a lot to learn. I'm mad at her for you. I don't have any advice to offer- I like the letter idea, and I like the waiting on it until after her baby isn't so new anymore. I guess I would say that maybe you should take this opportunity to make new, more understanding (dare I say better?) friends.


    Thank you, everyone, for rallying 'round and helping me to sort through this mess. I truly value your input, and your support means more than I can say.

    I do think I'll write a letter or an email message to her at some point. I've started to do that in my head, but some of it's just too ugly to put down - stuff like, "deserted me as the remnants of my third dead baby still dripped from my womb," won't get us anywhere. But I've come to realize that that's essentially how I feel. So, I've got some anger to work through, before I can begin to compose something rational. I do like the idea of doing multiple versions, though.

    Again, thanks so much for standing up for me. I really need that, right now. Love you all.



    That sentence would certainly get her attention! What a humdinger!

    I'm feeling left out with the plans of get togethers in other places. Wanna organize one in Boston? I'm feeling in need of a new friend or two too.


    Sorry, not suggesting that YOU organize - I'm happy to. Just looking for a little buy in :-) (feel free to ignore or say no if you're not up for it, I won't be hurt).


    Hi, Nico. Actually that sounds lovely. Something after the holidays, you think? Only because it's getting a bit hectic? But I'm open to ideas, and willing to help organize. Maybe we can do it on the night of my stupid high school reunion! Let's email each other.


    IF is shite, this stuff happens with friends and family so frequently. I find it difficult to get my head around the fact that your friend would choose this time to be so nasty, when you need the friendship and support the most. A 26 year friendship is a very precious thing. I'm all for giving her a wide berth for a while, she will miss you.
    I also hate the fact that the onus is on you to write the soul baring letter - to give her a clue on how shitful things have been. My way would be similar to Julianna, write her a letter of regret but suggest it's a good time to take a break.
    Why is empathy so lacking?! It's crap that the expectation on IF people is that they will have endless empathy for people who are living the dream lives with the perfect families.


    After the holidays sounds great. Something to look forward to through all the grimmness. Drop me a line sometime :-)


    Got it, thanks! I'll be in touch.


    Oooo! I wish I could come to Boston!!

    I'm still very mad at your 'friend'. I needed to come back to see what scorn others have heaped upon her. *Sigh* It shoudln't be this way. But I was impressed by the remnant of feus sentence.Way to express that hurt and anger, Pix!! You just express away. You don't have to send it, after all.


    Well, maybe we should have an Infertile Bloggercon Europe, then? My husband is from Madrid, and we're in the process of figuring out when we're going to get there next. I've also got a friend (friend #1!) who'd like me to accompany her to Ireland this summer. Perhaps I could figure out a way to do a little detour on one of those trips? I have no idea right now as to when I'll actually be over there, but it's something to think about!

    Of course, there's no reason the bloggers from your area couldn't go ahead and meet without me :o( but I would love to take part in a get-together over there, sometime.

    Anyway, thanks, Lola. It's great to have one of my fave bloggers (seriously) checking in on me.



    I'd happily join you at a bloggercon Europe if you can do a little detour while you're here.

    Re your friend, I'm so sorry she's being such a bitch. And she is. I do think the letter idea is a good one, as this enables you to say what you need to say in a kind way, and clear the air. It gives closure, at least, on your side to say the things you didn't get to say because she didn't return your calls. SOme of what you wrote here might work well in that letter.

    But write it when you're ready - or send it when you're ready. You don't owe her anything right now. This letter is for you, rather than for her.

    Lisa P.

    I just recently got an e-mail from a friend who had done essentially the same thing after my second miscarriage. She sent me a card that said something about "blessings in disguise" and then dropped all contact with me when I told her that the card hurt my feelings. This was in July, it's now November, and that's how long it took for one of us to extend the olive branch (ironically, I was thinking about doing it too a week or so beforehand).

    So, yes, I think time is what you need. You've made the effort to contact her and she's rejecting it now? well, write that letter, but don't send it. The letter I'd have written a few months ago would have been pretty vile, and I'm a mild mannered person, so there's a lot to be said for allowing feelings to temper. But for now there's status quo.


    Yay, European Bloggercon 2006!

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