i have a headache

Literally and figuratively. A couple of ibuprofen should take care of the first problem. The second is far more complicated.

I used to like sex. And I still find my husband quite charming and adorable. You know, most of the time.

I guess this is a good time to introduce mi marido, M. His name is the first part of that old call and response game that you play in a swimming pool. I'm not spelling it out, because I don't want his Googlers to find him here. You never know.

Anyway, I used to like sex. And it's not so much that I don't anymore, but I have a really hard time getting in the mood for it. It takes work. And don't mean foreplay, either. Before we even get to that, I have to engage in a process of letting go - all the stress, all the body issues, all the stuff that's swirling around in my head. I can't begin to feel romantic without doing deep breathing and relaxation exercises. Lots of wine doesn't hurt, either. And as far as touching goes, I need to be eased into it. There must be rubbing of the back, neck, arms, stomach, etc. first. I can't get into it without the warm up. Without the warm up, I'm cringing.

Not that my preparation routine is unpleasant. It can be very nice, actually. Especially, because M. is patient and willing to work with me (boy wants to get laid, after all). No, but he is also very understanding of what I've been through and how it's affected my mind and body. And how it's difficult for me to separate all that from the sexual experience. Still, I know it hurts his feelings a little that I no longer get hot 'n bothered just by looking at him.

So here it is Saturday night. M and I are home alone. A little while ago he said to me, "too bad your head hurts," then he offered to bring ibuprofen and massage my scalp. I told him I'd be along in a bit - just need to tie something up on the computer. So here I am, ladies, tying this up, and taking some deep breaths. Wish me luck. Because I do miss that closeness, that unbound energy he & I had before all this business began. And now that we're indefinitely banned from any attempts at baby making, maybe it's time for me to reacquaint myself with the nympho within. Won't be easy, because I am one tense chick, but I'm gonna try.

OK. Off I go.

Comments

[fisher queen]

Me too. I feel exactly like you do. DH didn't understand for a long time, and that was even worse.

I've always found though that once I step outside myself (hard to do, I know), it's worth it for the closeness. I may cry afterwards, but at least I get to do it all snuggled up with my honey.

[Lori]

I've been feeling the same way for a while and with my latest discovery about my tube issue, it's been worse. J and I were even talking about it last night. He kind of doesn't really get it and that's been hard but he's patient with me nonetheless. It's hard to go from feeling broken and defective to sexual and vibrant - I must confess, I haven't really figured out how to do it.
I hope you were able to have a wonderful night, connecting physically with the man you love.

[lauralu]

the sex thing is tough. after my d&c, the time we had to wait to have sex about killed me (and my husband). but before, after my son was stillborn, i had no interest in sex whatsoever. that we were supposed to wait until after my six weeks post delivery checkup to have sex was no problem at all for me. sex seemed like something terrible that would only lead to more opportunities to have my heart ripped out.

what got me back in the game was my need for comfort; the first few times were not exactly rapturous for me, but they let me feel close to my husband, connected to something other than my grief.

[Jenn]

I honestly don't even remember the last time we had sex. I have zero intrest anymore, and I don't think he's got all that much interest either. It really sucks. We used to have such fun.

[ovagirl]

Yes, that closeness is essential. We have ended up having some great sex this month (but not penetrative)Being told that we were NOT to have sex was good encouragement. The longer we leave it between sex I have to say the easier it is to forget about it.

[just another name]

oh, please girls, i am so very sad reading these comments. i am a 54 year old woman, healthy, attractive, successful, confident, slim, (just had to add that since it isn't easy) and alone. i would give anything to have sex with a man that i trusted and felt close to. at my age, the men all want much, much younger women, no matter how attractive or successful an older woman may be. i add this to the comments to urge you to do anything, anything at all to rekindle that sex drive. if you have a patient man and one that will work with you, then go for it with a vengance. porn, toys, drinks. whatever it takes. sex with the man you love is glorious. i truly wish i would have worked harder on keeping my marriage together and worked harder on the sex issues. good luck girls and take it from a woman that has been there, making the effort is so much better than no effort ending your marriages. thanks for listening.

[Pamplemousse]

I always find that even if I am not really in the mood, once we get going, things "get going", if you KWIM?? And that physical closeness can't be beat either.

[lauralu]

do you know just another name? does she understand the, you know, THEME of this blog? just asking. with apologies if it's your mom.

[Manuela]

I'm with Pamplemousse... sometimes I just kinda gotta make like a Nike and just do it... usually it's the THOUGHT of it that seems so daunting... once it gets going though... fun is generally had by all concerned.

[pixi]

I don't think I know JAN, unless perhaps she's my husband posing online as a 54 year old woman with advice about keeping your hubby happy in the ol' sac? She's got a point, in a way, but there are complexities involved for many of the women in this particular community. Truly, I don't want my sex life to be another casualty of IF/miscarriage. And I agree with what a lot of you guys are saying - that once you let yourself get into it, it's usually great. It's getting over that initial "hump" that I need to work on!

[ManhattanAnne]

My advice too is to just keep doing it. Of course you have all kinds of conflicted feelings. You'd have to be an automaton no to. But on the other hand, the sex is its own reward. Even if it feels awkward/awful a time or two, it won't the time after that. In fact, you will probably amaze yourselves with what you can still do. Strange as it is, after 15+ years together, I think my husband and I are closer now, after all the infertility-influenced sex, than we were before.

[Lynnette]

Just wanted you to know, I'm in the same boat. I think we had sex in August. I know we need to make time for it, and I feel like I'm turning into a bitter old shrew. But he travels SO much, or I'm on the rag, or we have houseguests, or we are visiting relatives, or I'm out of town for IVF/work-ups, that when you add in the fact that we are now self-concious about our bodies and stressed out with our potential move, my vagina might as well be sewn up. It feels that useless to me right now. I keep holding out hope that once we get back on track with the big issues in our life the icing on the cake will be there too, if we keep our eye on it. Hope that makes sense.

[Lola]

WARNING: assvice is a-coming.

Personally, I find that even when I don't feel like it, if I just go along with it, I end up enjoying it. After Miscarriage no. 2, the one that really devastated me, I knew that I was in danger of associating sex with pregnancy with loss. The thought of being too afraid to have sex with my husband (and this is me I'm referring to; I'm not suggesting it's exactly the same for you) kind of galvanised me into doing something, anything. I figured, "Hey, I'll just lie back and think of England and fake it towards the end. And, hot dog whaddaya know, about 2 minutes into it I was fully enjoying myself and didn't even have to fake it.

Thus endeth the assvice.

[pixi]

Lynette, it makes me so sad to read that, and I can totally relate. Still, I'm trying to adopt Manuela's "just do it" philosophy, because "it" usually ends up being nice, if I let it. And thanks, Lola, for that tip. Because you KNOW I'm going to be thinking of England next time. Hey, whatever works!

[kyahgirl]

I hope you don't mind me joining this discussion because yes, I've already had two kids. But, I will never forget the awful stage you're in, where you feel like crap most of the time and sex is just not on your priority list.
Before we started trying to get pregnant my husband and I had a pretty hot sex life but it became more difficult with the fertility drugs and the miscarriages.
Then, we successfully had one baby but she was premature, colicky, and I was sick, then deeply depressed. It was a dark time. I won't deny it but one thing that helped me was knowing that sex leads to connection, and connection was the only thing was going to help stabilize me in a precarious world. There were lots of times I did it for him because I don't believe men REALLY feel loved unless they're getting sex. No matter how much you tell them. And, I was not a pleasant person to live with, if I could help him heal a bit from the constant abrasion of living with a screaming baby and a depressed woman, all the better.
AFter we had a second baby (no drugs this time-nature somehow got fixed with the first one), I became even more depressed. Believe it or not, my PPD was not diagnosed until my second baby was six months old and I told my doc that if I got pregnant again I'd either have an abortion or kill myself. That's when I got some help. Through all this, I tried to stay up on the sexual side of my relationship, even though I wasn't keen, I sure loved the caring. (And, it only has to take 15 minutes-even I can put off sleep for that long). Now it has gotten better. My mental and physical health are much better, my babies are old enough that they're not sucking the life out of me, and I can reap the rewards a bit. My husband and I are still close and we still rely on regular sex to help us stay bonded. Its important.
This may seem like hokey advice but it can also help to read some good literature with sexual content. I'm not talking about porn or even erotica. But, sex is aobut 90% in the mind, If you can get the mind revved up a bit, it certainly helps your naughty bits.
Please forgive me if it feels like lecturing. I know I'm not really 'one of you' but I have been in a similar place. I hope this helps.
Laura