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    « trip to the hematologist - or - shoulda oughta stayed in bed | Main | personal symbols »

    Comments

    Flicka

    You are so beautiful! I loved those pictures. And now I'll know what you look like come luncheon time...next week!

    I'm so sorry you're feeling flat and down. Wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. Wish I had a magic pregnancy stick to tap us all with.

    Alexa

    What lovely pictures, and a lovely but very sad post. I know I have said it before, but I am so sorry for the hurt you have been through. I have everything crossed for you this time.

    Karen

    Your wedding photo is absolutely beautiful! What you posted is very sad and very true. I hate the loss of innocence that miscarriage brings - the fact that you can never again look at those double lines with pure hope and optimism, that what should be a blissful time has to be clouded with fear and uncertainty. It's another loss among many, and it's not fair.

    amy

    Stop making me cry! Seriousy, of the many people I know - you and M would make wonderful parents. I hope so very much for you both that it will happen. I can't say that it will, but I will keep sending my hopes and positive thoughts out into the universe and hope against hope that something wonderful happens for you.

    fisher queen

    I wish you could do the double thumbs up and unadulterated happy smile at the double pink lines. How pretty you are there. Makes me cry too.

    I hope you can get some part of that joy back.


    lauralu

    there was a big difference between my first bfp and the third and most recent. the first time, i was so stunned i couldn't get off the toilet, and shrieked so much i freaked out my husband, who came running to save me from whatever was surely attacking me, and we cried and held each other and rocked. this most recent time, i peed in the dark, flushed, pulled back the curtain enough to see by the street lamp light that the test was going positive, climbed back in bed, nudged my husband, and said, "it's positive." "yeah?" he asked. "yeah," i said. and we spooned up and went back to sleep. kind of hard to get the joy back these days, especially when you know a bfp doesn't mean much.

    i hope you have real reason for joy, and soon.

    btw - we totally slept and ate and drank our way through madrid without much cultural activity, i'm embarrassed to say. actually, that's pretty much how it always goes with us in madrid. the last time we were there, i dragged justin to the prado, which he hated, and we had one of the biggest fights of our entire relationship in those hallowed halls. good times. this time we went to the sofia reina, which at least we could both get into. it was amazing to see guernica in person, but even better were picasso's sketches for it, particularly the ones of the mother carrying her dead baby. seeing that image isolated, and watching his process of refining it, combined with the extra meaning that particular image has for me, was intensely moving.

    Jill

    What a lovely couple you and your husband are. You're so pretty and were a beautiful bride!

    I can really relate to this post. I feel for you, Pixi, concerning how your miscarriages crushed your bridal hopes and dreams and ended your innocence concerning pregnancy. I admire you for trying again; it takes a lot of courage. I hope and pray that this round of trying results in joy and the fulfillment of your heart's desire.

    Julianna

    Thank you for sharing those amazing photos. The one of you smiling with the HPT is so touching.

    I hope your dreams come true.

    Lori

    Among the many things about IF that make me angry the loss of that innocence that you describe is one of the worst. How wonderful though that you have a pictoral keepsake of it as my memories of that postive hpt grower dimmer. Thank you for posting those pictures as they help to jog my own memories.
    I truly hope this next attempt, while lacking the innocence, brings you the joyful end result - a baby.

    wessel

    Oh, Pixi. What everyone else said. Your wedding photo is lovely, by the way. This is so painful to read because it mirrors so much of my own experience.

    We also started trying on our wedding night. I remember thinking to myself, since we both had decided that we wanted 4 children, "well, it will be stressful having a baby every year, but because of my age, that's just what we are going to have to do."

    Oh, cringe. How could I be so stupid?

    And then, after 3 months of nothing, I took Clomid. I immediately got 2 large, juicy follicles. So I went home and asked my husband, "how do you feel about having twins?" He got all excited, and why wouldn't he? I was a nurse, after all, and if I said twins were a strong possibility, well, then!

    Cringe again.

    And then, our first pregnancy, I was SO happy. It was finally gonna happen now! Oh yeah. That ended too. I became jaded overnight. Innocence gone. Now nothing will convince me that I'm going to have a baby until, well, I actually have one.

    Katie/WannaBeMom

    Oh what pictures-- I love them!

    I don't have much to say to you here other than wanting to hug you and say hope and well, I guess just be here for you. (Hug, hope, here I am.)

    Nico

    Your wedding dress is gorgeous. And you in it, too.

    I hate the loss of innocence. I hate that you can't look forward to the trying, or to being pregnant. I hate that you can't feel anything but flat.

    But even though you can't, I'm brimming with hope for you that you will get pregnant soon, and that the baby aspirin and heparin will do the trick that you so badly want done.

    Lynnette

    I hope the fourth time's the charm for you. Back in '03 when I was finishing my BFA, I produced quite a bit of IF art. One piece is posted on my home page. It occured to me that you might like to see some of it? I haven't been feeling very creative lately, so nothing more recent, but all the old thoughts are there. Let me know and I'll email some pics.

    April

    You are a beautiful person, and it breaks my heart to know you have been through such heavy sadness.

    I miss that innocence in my own life.

    I am just so incredibly sorry you have had to go through so much. So sorry.

    mm

    Loved the pics. Thanks for posting them. Mr Limboparty and I also got married in May of 2003. I just came across the pic Mr L took of me the night I told him I was pg (I realized I was late when he was away on an all-guy ski vacation). It made me cringe, but I couldn't make myself throw it away. It was nice to know that I haven't always been this pessimistic and negative, you know. Best of luck to you as you try again.

    thalia

    I love the pictures too, I'm just so sorry that all that joy had to end in unhappiness. I'm hoping that this try will get you to a point where the happiness can stick for a while.

    OvaGirl

    These are beautiful pictures Pixi. And heartbreaking. It's true that they do monitor a loss of innocence. I hope so much that this time, with the knowledge you've gained, will be the one.

    xxx

    Vivien

    Poor you, Pixi, not a lot to add, except that I know how it feels too, and I wish you all the best with your next attempt. I agree it's hard to get excited about it after all the sadness. How did you get on with getting the Heparin or similar treatment prescribed?
    Big hugs
    xx

    Bonnie

    Innocence lost, isn't that the truth!

    Thank you for sharing your pictures. You were a beautiful bride.

    Clare

    Yes, it's really sad none of us can ever get back that innocence and optimism that we had about being pregnant before we ever had miscarriages and disappointments. I hope 2006 is a much better & happier year for you and M. I'm sending you all the sticky baby vibes I can muster for this tiresome holiday season.

    Stephanie

    thank you for the lovely post. it is amazing how much RPL/infertility takes out of you. It changes you in ways that are difficult to imagine until it happens. and no matter how many times we get booted off, we climb back on and try again. sometimes i think it is strength and sometimes i think it is insanity...probably a bit of both.

    good luck to you in this next round!

    Sassy

    Happy holidays!

    I hope the new year brings many blessings for you.

    Love, Sassy.

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