After my first miscarriage, it took about a month for my period to come back. It started off very slow, so slow that a pantyliner provided more than enough protection. After a couple of days, I figured that I was so cleaned out from the D&E that there wasn't much to pass. Three days into it, while at the mall with my husband and his family who were visiting from Spain, I suddenly started to bleed heavily. Within seconds, my pants were stained halfway down my thighs. Aside from being a mess, I felt OK, so I went to the bathroom, cleaned up as best I could, tied my anorak around my waist, and hailed a cab. My husband had to take his family to the airport, so he met me back at the house afterward.
I was fine. It's just, I learned, that periods can be abnormal and unpredictable following a miscarriage. My next period followed a similar light-to-heavy pattern, but I was more prepared for it that time. The third cycle was pretty much back to normal.
After my second miscarriage, I again had two light-to-heavy cycles. Ditto for the first cycle following my third miss. That one started on September 12th, though very light, then came in full some time around the 14th. So, I figured that I would be starting my next cycle sometime between the 10th-14th of October. Right in the middle of my vacation.
The trip was a cruise of the western Caribbean, just me and 15 of my closest family members. I never used to think cruising would be my cup of tea, but for family vacations they work out quite well. You never have to think much about coordinatiing schedules, because it's all planned out for you. It's always fine if you break off from the group, because you know that you'll bump into each other eventually.
We left for our trip on the 8th, and I was expecting my period to come at any minute. For the first 3-4 days, I felt bloated and mildly crampy, so I wore a tampon most the time. Every time I checked it--nothing. Then, on day five, I got a bit of blood. I mean a BIT. Like what you would get from a paper cut. Maybe less. I figured, though, knowing my post-miscarriage period history, that it would come in a day or two. So I kept checking. And checking and checking and checking. That was all I ever got.
On the second to last day of the cruise, wheels started spinning in my head. I started counting the days of my cycle, trying to figure out when the middle was. It was hard to tell because of the false-start type of period that I'd had, but I figured it was toward the end of September. I tried to recall the dates on which my husband and I had sex (there weren't all that many), and I remembered that wid did on Oct. 1st, right before he left for a weekend in NYC. It was our first time since the miscarriage, and we used a condom, because we were advised not to try until two cycles had passed.
By that night, there was still no period. I tried to remember the details of October first. Was there some initial contact, before my husband put the condom on? That happens sometimes. Or did the condom fail? I suppose that could have happened, too. Then I started to think about all of the drinks that I'd had on the cruise. Not tons, but about 1-3 per night. It felt wrong in everyway, you know, not finishing the waiting period, having drinks while possibly being pregnant, but I started to get excited. Above everything, I just want to have a baby, and wouldn't it like me to go about it all the wrong way?
Last day of the vacation was travel day. Still no period, so I decided that I would buy a HPT when I got home. The flight from Fort Lauderdale to Logan seemed to take ten hours. But we made it, and we stopped by the drugstore on the way to our house.
For twenty four hours, I believed that I was pregnant. Two sticks told me NO. Last night I was deflated; now I'm just confused. I know that post-miscarriage periods can be weird. But this one was practically non-existant. I wanted to believe what I saw was implantation bleeding. Now I just want to know what's going on. I suppose my period could still come. And I guess I wish it would, because if I'm not pregnant, then I would at least like to be "normal," so I can get back to trying again.
Sometimes the ups and downs of all this are almost too much to take. So far, somehow I've kept bouncing back, managing to find the capacity to hope again. I really don't want to stop hoping, though I've started to have fleeting sick feelings in my stomach, as I've wondered, "What if it doesn't ever work out?" Well, as I've said, my husband and I know that we'll become parents one way or another, and whatever way it happens will be great. We're not ready to give up on the possibility that I might carry and deliver our baby, though. Not just yet.
All in all the vacation was good, but I'm glad to be back home. Life has a funny way of following you wherever you go. So, I guess it's time for me to just get back to it.